Years ago, a friend of ours named Trish wrote the following story as a parody of all of the cheesy, retarded fanfiction on the web written by pre-teen girls. We know not where Trish is these days, but the fanfic will live in infamy. (Side note: Trish, if you find us, first of all HI and second of all, if you want this taken down, let us know.)

Please to enjoy...

My Kick Ass Monkees Fanfic
Part One: Micky Touched My Vagina

It was the summer of 1966 and I was in California because like, there was a tornado, and it carried me from Florida to California into a very nice house, and it was automatically mine because the owner felt sorry for me. The owner was Chip Douglas.

One day I was taking a shower in my condo that Chip Douglas gave to me, and I heard the bathroom door open. I got kind of nervous. I was so scared. Micky came in the shower and held me because he could see my fear. Then he touched me on my vagina. I knew then, that he loved me.

(The end of Part 1)

My Kick Ass Monkees Fanfic
Part Two: Peter Grows A Pubic Hair

Three weeks later after Micky and I found out we loved each other, I moved into his pad, with the rest of his band. They were called the Monkees. One night while I was laying in bed with Micky, I felt him put his finger in my ass. It touched me in a way I had never felt before. I smiled, snuggled my head into the pillow, and fell gently, EVER SO GENTLY, asleep.

About an hour later I was awoken by Peter screaming! I turned to Micky, but he was sleeping, but it seemed he was sniffing his finger.

"Oh, Micky," I said as I got up and followed Peter’s shrieks to the bathroom. I opened the door when I got there and saw Peter in the corner crying. I ran to him, and I held him, then he touched my face and caressed his nipples.

"What’s wrong Peter?" I asked.

"Oh, Samantha..." he said as he looked down and pointed to his testicles, and there right in the middle was a long black hair. "I think I have AIDS! I’m so scared!"

"It's ok Peter, its just part of growing up. Everyone gets them! Look at this." I said as I lifted up my night gown and out popped my hormonal hair growth. It hit Peter in the face, but he didn’t seem to mind. He was swatting at it and giggling.

Then Micky came in the bathroom, and he ran out shrieking and crying "SAMANTHAAAAA HOW COULD YOU DO THIS TO MEEEE???"

I threw myself in the tub.

(The end of Part 2)

My Kick Ass Monkees Fanfic
Part Three: Mike Punched Davy In The Throat

I awoke in the bathtub. I guess I had made myself unconscious when I threw myself in. I walked out into the living room and I saw Micky and Peter hugging. Then I saw Davy on the couch. He was sort of sniffling and crying. I asked Micky and Peter what they were doing and then they told me.

"Peter told me what happened in the bathroom. Its ok Samantha I forgive you. I wrote you this song. Do you want to hear it?" Then Micky sang to me the most beautiful song I had ever heard, Zilch, and I saw that his penis was hanging out of his pants, he was wiggling it around while singing and whispering. I loved it. I cried and ran into his arms and I told him what I had wanted to ever since I had been touched by him.

"Micky, I love you forever." And then, the unthinkable happened Davy screamed out in pain. He sounded so sad. What he said will haunt our minds forever.

"You guys!!!" he screamed, "I do not have a butthole! I’m so afraid!" Micky, Peter, and I ran to him and held him tightly in our grasps. Then we left to go to McDonalds. When we got back we saw Davy telling Mike about his hole, and Mike punched Davy in the throat.

Then he said "That could have been yer grown togethered ASSHOLE you flippin’ fereak. Yere gettin it frum guzzlin‘ all them thur faggots came! fuggin‘ jizzhead" then he walked out of the room.

As Davy lay on the floor choking, and bleeding from the ear, we all laughed because Mike was just so funny. I felt like I loved him. But what about Micky? I was so confused. I ran out of the room and threw myself off the balcony.

(The End Of Part 3)

My Kick Ass Monkees Fanfic
Part Four: Mike: The Man; The Legend

As I lay crippled at the bottom of the Monkee’s apartment crippled and unable to move, Mike walked by with an empty beer can in his hand. He looked at me oddly, then he said "Yere that biotch Mickah brang home ain’tcha? Thraw thi’ awah for mah." He threw the can and it hit me in the face as he walked away. I saw stars. I was in love. I knew now that Mike was truly the one for me.

Then it got dark and I died.